A few months ago my help disappeared and it was suddenly just me and my three kids, all day, every day. I've done a decade of self work. I've read the books, done the retreats, sat with the right teachers. None of it prepared me for a toddler smiling at me while she breaks my favorite glass. In that moment, none of my tools fit. I just felt rage.
That's the moment I brought into my conversation with Cynthia Abulafia, and it cracked open something I've been circling for years. Why letting go doesn't work isn't much of a mystery once you actually look at it. Most of us were taught that the spiritual move is to release, to transcend, to rise above whatever is happening in the body. Cynthia argues the opposite. The body isn't the problem you rise above. It's the whole point.
She's spent years studying tantra and non-duality, including fifteen years inside direct path teaching, and she's watched that same instruction, just let it go, turn into something closer to disassociation than peace. This episode is about what happens when you stop trying to release what you feel and start turning toward it instead.
What You'll Learn in This Episode
You'll hear why the instruction to let it go can quietly train you to disassociate from your own body, and what Cynthia does instead, which she calls turning toward and amplifying. It sounds backwards. Lean into the thing you want to escape and it loses its grip faster than pushing it away ever did.
You'll also get the real difference between a trigger and an activation, which is more than semantics. A trigger implies something has already fired and you can't stop it. An activation is a pattern you can actually trace and work with.
And we get into how non-duality, the idea that everything is one and nothing is separate, gets used by some teachers and communities to dodge real accountability. Cynthia calls it sanctioned disassociation, and once you hear the term you'll start noticing it everywhere.
Why This Matters Right Now
I spent last year deep in research on the divine feminine, especially Mary Magdalene, right before I had my third baby. I didn't plan the timing. Looking back, I was calling in exactly the initiation I was about to walk through. Full time motherhood with no buffer is about the fastest way to find out whether your spiritual tools actually work in a body, or only work in a meditation.
That's where this episode lands for a lot of people right now. We're in a moment where wellness culture sells calm as the goal, as if the point of doing the work is to eventually stop feeling so much. Cynthia's argument is that depth doesn't make you less affected by life. It makes you more capable of staying present to what you feel, including the parts you'd rather skip. That distinction matters whether you're managing a toddler, grieving a friendship, or just tired of performing a peace you don't actually have.
About Cynthia Abulafia
Cynthia Abulafia is a yoga therapist, trauma-informed yoga trainer, and author of Embodying the Goddess: How to Awaken Curiosity and Reverence on the Spiritual Path. She studied tantra, Sanskrit, and non-dual Kashmiri Shaiva traditions for years, including fifteen years inside direct path non-duality teaching, before shifting her focus toward embodiment. Her work maps how the body, not transcendence, is where real spiritual integration happens. She traces her own lineage back to the kabbalist Abraham Abulafia, which gives her a rare vantage point across both Eastern and Western mystical traditions.
Key Insights From Cynthia Abulafia
Why Letting Go Can Actually Be Disassociation
Cynthia argues that the instruction to just let it go quietly trains people to disconnect from their own bodies instead of healing. It treats the body and emotions as problems to escape rather than information worth using. Her alternative is to turn toward whatever is activated and amplify it, rather than releasing it before you've understood what it's telling you.
The Real Difference Between a Trigger and an Activation
A trigger implies something has already fired and can't be stopped, the way a bullet leaves a gun. An activation is different. It can be traced backward, followed, and worked with in real time. Cynthia changed her own language from trigger to activation because it restored her sense of agency instead of leaving her feeling powerless.
The Ego Is a Measuring Stick, Not the Enemy
Rather than treating the ego as something to eliminate, Cynthia describes it simply as our inner impulse to compare, the same way a mark on a wall tracks a child's height. She argues the ego only becomes a problem when we tell it, and ourselves, that it shouldn't exist. Left in relationship instead of at war, the ego can become an ally instead of an obstacle.
Non-Duality Can Become Sanctioned Disassociation
Cynthia spent fifteen years inside direct path non-duality teaching before naming what she now calls sanctioned disassociation, using the language of oneness to avoid responsibility for how you treat the people closest to you. She's careful to say non-duality teachings aren't wrong, only incomplete, if they only teach people to climb toward stillness without ever coming back down into form.
Small Activations Are More Useful Than Big Trauma
According to Cynthia, the small, everyday activations, like feeling strangely wounded when your hairdresser moves on, are often more workable than a capital T trauma. They're easier to push on while the feeling is more of an ache than something hot and festering. Working with the small activation opens the same network as the larger wound, without needing a crisis to do the work.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Letting Go
Cynthia doesn't think going deeper into spiritual work should make you calmer or less affected by life. She thinks it should make you more capable of feeling what's actually happening, including the small stuff. The hairdresser leaving. The friend who stops texting. The moment your kid pushes every button you have. Most wellness culture sells the opposite. It sells detachment as the finish line, as if the goal is to need less and feel less until nothing touches you anymore.
Cynthia calls that beige washing reality, smoothing everything over into fine because reacting has been labeled less evolved. The uncomfortable truth is that doing the work doesn't protect you from being hurt by small things. If anything, it gives you more capacity to notice when you're hurt, sit with it honestly, and let it actually move through you instead of performing that you're above it.
Quotes That Hit Different
“The goddess has never been pretty. She's never been rainbows and butterflies.” (Cynthia, 05:04) A reframe of the divine feminine as power, not softness.
“The deeper I get, the more vulnerable I get to the interplay of reality.” (Cynthia, 38:31) The direct rebuttal to the idea that spiritual growth means detachment.
“It is sanctioned disassociation all the way.” (Cynthia, 47:42) On what happens when non-duality gets used to avoid accountability.
“Notice what you notice, which is the highest teaching of curiosity.” (Cynthia, 58:29) Her closing teaching, simple enough to actually use.
How to Apply This in Your Life
Start small. Cynthia's suggestion isn't to dive into your biggest wound first. Pick one everyday activation, something like being cut off in traffic or feeling oddly hurt by a small slight, and instead of pushing it away, turn toward it. Ask what's actually happening in your body right now, and notice if a story starts running underneath it. You don't need to solve it in the moment. You just need to stay present with it a little longer than usual.
If you catch yourself reaching for let it go language, try swapping it for turn toward instead. That one shift changes how your nervous system relates to what's happening. And if you notice you're using spiritual language to avoid a hard conversation or a hard feeling, that's worth sitting with honestly instead of explaining away. The goal isn't to feel less. It's to become someone who can stay present with more.
Resources & Links From This Episode
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