I spent years thinking that if I was just hard enough on myself, I’d finally get where I wanted to go.
And there’s this thing that happens when you’re self-aware. You can see your patterns clearly. You can narrate them in real time. You’re like, oh, there I go doing that thing again. And then… you keep doing it. And then you feel worse because now you can see yourself doing it and you’re still doing it and what does that say about you?
That’s the trap. You can’t hate yourself into changing. You can’t criticize yourself thinner, shame your finances into order, or guilt yourself into being a better parent. I know because I tried all of those. And I think most of us have.
The Gap Between Knowing and Actually Changing
One of the first things Jessica Ortner said in this conversation stopped me cold. I asked her what the difference is between understanding why you do something and actually being able to stop doing it.
Her answer: your nervous system.
Not your mindset. Not your self-awareness. Not how many therapy sessions you’ve had or how many books you’ve read. Your nervous system doesn’t care about any of that. It cares about one thing: safety. And when it doesn’t feel safe, it runs the same patterns it’s been running since you were a kid, regardless of what your conscious mind has figured out.
That’s not a character flaw. That’s just how the system works.
She put it this way: you can tell someone who’s terrified of flying all the statistics about how much safer it is than driving. You can make every logical argument in the world. It doesn’t matter, because when they think about getting on a plane, their body is having a stress response. There’s no talking your way out of a nervous system response. You have to actually communicate with the body.
I’ve been circling this truth for years without quite having the language for it. I went through a phase where I got really proud of my ability to reframe things fast, to look on the bright side, to just choose a different perspective. And it worked, kind of, for the surface stuff. But there were these deeper patterns that kept coming back. And the more I tried to think my way out of them, the louder they got.
What I eventually figured out was that I was skipping a step. The body was trying to tell me something and I kept cutting it off before it could finish the sentence.
What Tapping Actually Does
Jessica co-founded the Tapping Solution 19 years ago with her brothers. Tapping, also called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), involves stimulating nine specific acupressure points on the body while focusing on whatever feels unresolved. It sounds a little strange if you haven’t tried it. It also has over 300 studies behind it, 100 of which are peer-reviewed, including brain scan research showing measurable changes in how the brain responds to stress.
The mechanism matters here. When you tap on these points, which have a high concentration of nerve endings, you’re sending a signal of safety directly to your nervous system. Not through thinking. Through the body itself.
Jessica describes it as a mismatched message. Your brain and nervous system are broadcasting danger. The tapping sends a signal of safety. And in that gap, your body starts to recalibrate. Your mind quiets enough to actually hear what’s going on underneath the noise.
This is why tapping can surface things that thinking never touches. Not because it’s magic, but because safety is the condition under which your nervous system finally lets things move. When you feel threatened, your body locks down. When you feel safe, it can release.
She told the story of her very first tapping session. She was sick with a cold and her brother came over and talked her into trying it. Somewhere in the middle of tapping on these points, a thought came up that she’d never consciously allowed herself to have: she didn’t want to get better. Being sick was the only way she could rest without drowning in guilt. She looked up at her brother with tears in her eyes. She’d been pushing so hard and getting nowhere and she was exhausted, and her body had found the only exit available.
I’ve had my own version of that. For about a year, there was this low-grade discomfort around our nanny situation. We’d been prioritizing keeping her over what we actually wanted, and I kept telling myself I was fine with it, I was grateful, the arrangement worked. When it finally fell apart, I realized I’d been carrying something I hadn’t even let myself name. And it was like putting down a backpack I’d forgotten I was wearing.
The tapping gives you access to those realizations faster. Not because it forces anything, but because it quiets the noise enough for you to actually hear yourself.
Identity Lag and the Patterns You’ve Outgrown
There’s a concept in Jessica’s book Rewired called identity lag. It’s when the pattern has actually changed, but you keep thinking of yourself as someone who has it.
I dealt with this for years. I’d done a lot of work. I knew I’d changed. And still, in certain quiet moments, I’d wonder: is this just who I am? If people knew where I started, would they see what I see now? I was holding onto an old story about myself even after the story wasn’t true anymore.
Jessica had her own version. She spent years in a cycle of emotional eating and body criticism, convinced that if she could just be thinner, everything would fall into place. She did the work. She made real progress. And then one day when something didn’t go her way, the old story came back. If only I was a little thinner, a little smarter.
She said she had to learn to recognize that moment not as a relapse but as information: this is where I go when I’m scared. That shift changes everything. Instead of judging yourself for going back to an old pattern, you recognize it as a signal that what you need right now is your own love and reassurance.
That’s what the work actually is. Not silencing the inner critic. Giving it what it’s actually asking for.
The Part Nobody Wants to Hear
Most of us are very comfortable with self-criticism. We’ve been doing it so long it feels like honesty. It feels like accountability. It feels like we’re at least not deluding ourselves.
But Jessica made a point I keep coming back to: you have to weed before you plant. Jumping straight to positive affirmations when you’re in a dark spiral doesn’t work because part of you knows you’re not being straight with yourself. The affirmations don’t land because the harder feeling is still sitting there unacknowledged.
What works is meeting yourself where you are first. Even though I have these doubts, I accept how I feel and who I am. You honor the experience you’re actually having before you try to shift it. That’s not weakness. That’s actually how the nervous system releases.
She also said something that I want to sit with for a while: self-sabotage is simply misguided self-love. There’s a part of you when you sabotage yourself that doesn’t feel safe. The job isn’t to criticize that part into submission. The job is to recognize what it’s actually asking for.
That reframe alone is worth the whole conversation.
How to Actually Use It
Jessica walked us through the nine tapping points in the episode, and we did a live round together. The points go in this order: side of the hand, eyebrow, side of the eye, under the eye, under the nose, under the mouth, collarbone, under the arm, top of the head.
You start by acknowledging what’s actually going on. Not rushing to fix it, not jumping to the bright side. Just saying what’s true: I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I’m angry. I accept myself and how I feel. Then you move through the points.
She also offered three phrases for the moments when you don’t have time to do a full session: I am here. I am safe. This will pass. In the car line, at the sink, in the middle of a hard moment. Just tap and say those three things.
The goal isn’t to never feel overwhelmed again. It’s to be able to navigate what you’re feeling from a more centered place.
About Jessica Ortner
Jessica Ortner is the co-founder of The Tapping Solution and co-author of Rewired, the most research-backed guide to EFT tapping available. She started the Tapping Solution 19 years ago with her brothers Nick and Alex, and their app is now the most documented mental health wellness app in the world, with over 18 million before-and-after data points. Her earlier book, The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence, came from her own experience doing this work around body image and emotional eating.
Resources from This Episode
Jessica Ortner’s book: Rewired by Jessica, Nick, and Alex Ortner (available anywhere books are sold)
The Tapping Solution app: available on iOS and Android, includes a 14-day free trial and free tapping meditations
Related episode: Mind Love Episode 307 with Valerie, who shares her own tapping story
All links: mindlove.com/459
Take This Work Deeper
If this conversation resonated and you want to keep working with your nervous system alongside people who actually get it, the Mind Love Collective is where that happens. We meet monthly for themed calls and I coach you through whatever you’re navigating that month. It’s real accountability, not just content. Join us at mindlove.com/collective.
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