Ever notice how some people just have it? They walk into a room and within minutes, people are opening up to them. Sharing things they normally keep locked away. Laughing harder. Leaning in closer. And you’re standing there thinking, what am I missing?
Here’s the secret nobody wants to admit. Those people aren’t more charismatic. They’re not better looking or funnier or more interesting. They’ve just figured out something most of us completely overlook. They’ve learned to make other people feel like the most fascinating person in the room.
I spent years thinking I needed to be more interesting to be a better conversationalist. I’d prep stories, practice witty comebacks, show up armed with impressive facts. And I’d leave every conversation feeling exhausted and weirdly disconnected. Because I was performing instead of connecting. I was broadcasting instead of receiving. I was so focused on what I was going to say next that I missed everything actually happening in front of me.
Then I had kids. And suddenly I was faced with these tiny humans who would lie about the weirdest things, shut down at the slightest hint of judgment, and needed me to understand what they couldn’t yet articulate. And I realized something that changed everything. The skills that make you an incredible parent are the exact same skills that make you magnetic in every other area of your life.
When you learn to listen in a way that makes people feel truly seen, you become the person everyone wants to talk to. The friend people call when life falls apart. The leader people trust with the truth. The partner who actually understands what’s being said underneath the words.
“Really when it comes to communication, communication when we do it really well is a counterpart focused effort. So if I go into any interaction thinking, okay, what do I need to say? What do I need to ask? What do I want to get out of this? Part of that, of course, we have to consider, but that’s all selfishly focused on me. So now I’m more likely to give you those negative feelings because the questions I ask could be unnecessarily accusatory. They could feel like they’re trapped. They could put you in a corner where you feel like you have no good way out.”
That right there is why most conversations feel like tennis matches instead of connections. We’re so focused on returning the ball that we forget the point is to play together, not against each other.
The Sufi mystics had a teaching about this. They said that every human being is walking around with a wound they’re trying to protect. And most of our communication is just elaborate defense mechanisms around that wound. When you learn to listen past the defenses, when you can hear what someone’s really protecting, you tap into something ancient and deeply human. You become a mirror that reflects back their truest self. And people are starving for that.
Think about the last time someone really listened to you. Not just heard your words, but understood what you were actually trying to say underneath all the noise. How did that feel? Like coming home, right? Like being recognized by someone who actually gets it. That feeling is so rare that when we experience it, we remember it for years.
Now imagine being able to give that to other people. Consistently. Strategically. In a way that builds trust so deep that people naturally open up to you. Your teenagers actually tell you what’s going on. Your partner shares the scary vulnerable stuff instead of keeping it locked away. Your team comes to you with problems before they explode. Your clients feel so understood that working with you becomes the obvious choice.
This isn’t manipulation. It’s the opposite. It’s learning to get out of your own way long enough to actually hear what someone needs you to understand. It’s recognizing that when someone lies to you, they’re not trying to hurt you. They’re trying to protect themselves. And that lie contains intelligence about what they’re afraid of. When you can decode that, when you can reduce their fear instead of amplifying it, you unlock a level of influence most people never access.
Today our guest is Michael Reddington, a former investigative interviewer who spent his career getting people to share sensitive information under vulnerable circumstances. He’s the author of The Disciplined Listening Method and founder of Inquasive, where he teaches the observation and questioning skills that transform ordinary conversations into genuine connection.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- Why being lied to reveals exactly what someone fears most
- The counterintuitive question that makes people open up without feeling interrogated
- How reading comfort shifts unlocks influence without manipulation
Links from the episode:
- Show Notes: mindlove.com/425
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